I’ve been having a bit of an identity crisis lately. That’s really okay with me. For all the facets of my identity that I like, there are many that I don’t. Perhaps the ones I don’t like will disappear and find someone else to bother.
Recently, I’ve been playing an inordinate amount of video games (which will spin off into another post, someday, when writing the post about video games won’t take away from the time I have to play them). My family and close friends will shrug their shoulders and say, “What’s new?” No no, not like casual games of solitaire, we’re talking I don’t move from the chiropractor-business-generating slouch in front of my laptop for 8 hours or until I conquer the current world in Age of Wonders: Shadow Magic, whichever lasts longer.
And I love to tell stories. This is the story of how Janna and I met and fell in love. This story has bad words in it and talks about sex. It doesn’t have pornography, if that’s what you are looking for, you can go here. So for those of you who are related to me and didn’t get the hint, this is the last warning to stop reading now.
Good for you, you made it this far. It’s story time.
* * *
On September 24th, 2004 I arrived home from my 37 day escape to Europe to a loving hug from my dad outside of customs at LAX. I felt elated to be with someone who I didn’t have to introduce myself to, or attempt to converse with in my broken Gerspanglish. I also felt wacked out from being on a plane that chased the sun across the globe and didn’t lose the race.
Los Angeles, California isn’t my home town. Ventura, California is my home town. My dad put up with my jet-lagged crazy blabber for the next 80 miles during the drive home. He heard it all, from London to Amsterdam to Italy (and Italian food) to Judith. Judith was the German woman who I had fallen in lust with, who lived 6,500 miles away. No dad, it’ll work, I’m telling you, it’ll work.
After a couple of days rest at my dad’s place I got into my old white Honda Civic (amazing, I lived for 37 days without a car in Europe and loved it) and left to restart my life in America. My friend, James Ogden, had a spare room in his apartment in San Jose, CA. This worked perfectly as my previous employer, deCarta, had my old job available for me if I wanted it. Maxed out credit cards and the promise of good pay waiting for me? You bet I wanted my old job back.
One night, a couple of weeks after I moved in with James, he and I were chatting about women. James said that he had gotten all mushy over some chick named Janna. I had no idea who she was. He said she sings jazz and is hot. I thought of some singer, wrapped in a red gown, draped provocatively over a grand piano. He said he was totally hot for her. I figured he was a healthy horny guy, just like me.
A couple of weeks passed and I finally met Janna. Turns out she and I both volunteered our time at Landmark Education, and happened to be doing so on the same night. Janna was tall, looked taller than me even if she broke the heels off both her shoes. Big blue eyes. Every now and then this meek deer in headlights look washed over her face. Awww, that’s cute, she’s a nice girl. Good for James for finding a nice girl.
Events happen. James comes home and looks sad. I ask him about it. He says that things didn’t work out with Janna. Janna asked James never to call him again?!
“What?” I think, “But they matched so well!” James looked really down. No one picks on hurts my friends and gets away with it. I now dub Janna evil mean bitch from hell who doesn’t know how to pick the right man.
Events happen. Things don’t work out with me and Judith. We meet in New York for New Year’s Eve. After all the I love yous on the phone, I get reminded that love and sex are not related. I didn’t fly all the way out to New York not to have sex. I say I’d rather go spend a celibate evening by myself in my own bed, so I catch an early flight back and leave her in New York.
Events happen. I start running for exercise. Janna (who I still dislike on behalf of my James’ not really anymore broken heart) and I share mutual running friends. Janna and I end up running together a couple of times, and I’m thankful there are other people in the group so I can ignore her. One morning only she and I show up.
“I guess it’s just you and me, babe,” Janna says cordially.
“Yeah, BABE,” I reply as snotty as I know how.
We talk for a few minutes and I run out of nice things to say to her. Imagine for a moment that you aren’t really a runner (and if you aren’t, that’s easy). Now pretend you’ve just started running. In the beginning running one half mile without stopping hurts. Add in enough training to run a mile, but accompanied with heavy breathing and a sweaty back, belly and butt crack. Now imagine running 3 miles with a person you don’t like, who doesn’t look like they are in better shape than you, but they damn well are. Finally, run in annoyed silence for 2.75 of the 3 miles. Thank god that ended.
Events happen. I start dating a woman named Penni. Janna and I wind up in the same seminar together. We then wind up in the same group together in the seminar. Why is this awful woman haunting me?
I start to wonder exactly why I don’t like her so much. It’s tiring not to like someone I have to spend even a minimal amount of time with. Time to get to know Janna.
And sure enough we talk. We talk about the seminar assignments. We talk about all the good things in life, like food and sex and running. And then she tells me this deep dark secret.
“I haven’t had sex in 2 years.”
“What?” I say. “Get out of here.”
“No really,” she says.
“Look,” and I pause and look her up and down. “You look good. If I was single, I’d hit that. But I’m not. Here’s your extra credit homework assignment. Go get laid.”
I tell her there are lots of lonely, horny men clawing over every scrap of flesh on the no-strings-attached section of craigslist. I know, I’ve been one of them.
Next week I found out that she actually took my advice. Our seminar group met for lunch, but you could see Janna’s glow across the crowded bar during daylight. And all of a sudden it occurred to me that I was completely wrong to dislike Janna. When James talked about her, I imagined someone who was all nice and good like. Someone who went home and studied Latin and in spare time hugged small orphan kittens during community neutering procedures.
I didn’t imagine some woman who, after sitting down at the table, responded to my question of,
“How was it getting some?”
With:
“It was great. The perfect combination of sweet/nice and dirty/nasty (emphasis on the latter).”
No siree. That’s not James’s sort of woman, that’s MY sort of woman. That thought came and went and I went back to my life.
A while later I broke up with Penni. Yay, singledom again, except this time the, “Yay,” is sarcastic. I’m annoyed and lonely, and am resigned that there isn’t a woman out there that I will ever have a fulfilling relationship with.
August 18, 2005 to be exact, Janna and I sling some emails back and forth when we should both be working.
From: Jeremy Osborne
Sent: Thursday, August 18, 2005 11:25 AM
To: Janna Mordan
Subject: RE: Hi Group!How’s single life going?
From: Janna Mordan
Sent: Thursday, August 18, 2005 11:30 AM
To: Jeremy Osborne
Subject: RE: Hi Group!I’m having a great week.
Met a guy that reminded me that what I actually want is to fall in love! I’d forgotten and gotten all resigned to just dating and having casual sex! That was fun and all, but I want risky, juicy, vulnerable, committed romance, you know? I’m excited about seeing this guy again (saturday), but I’m also really enlivened by just getting the possiblity of all that.
Thanks for asking.
You?
From: Jeremy Osborne
Sent: Thursday, August 18, 2005 11:35 AM
To: Janna Mordan
Subject: RE: Hi Group!I’m excited about getting exactly what I want, and for the first time I want to be a father when I finally get married… but now I’m back to having fun and shagging, especially while I’m still rebounding.
A friend of mine and I decided that calling ourselves single is really just nonsense. I mean, what the heck is being single anyway? We’re surrounded by billions of people on this planet, kind of hard to really be single unless we go lock ourselves away in a cave.
Before you stop all your casual sex, let’s go out and get drunk and shag one night
Unless it’s already stopped, then you should go and be in love with this guy.
No email appears for awhile. I start thinking of ways to apologize for so bluntly asking her out on a “date.” Then my instant messenger pops up and says that I have a new message from Janna Mordan.
From: Janna Mordan
Sent: Thursday, August 18, 2005 12:20 PM
To: Jeremy Osborne
Subject: RE: Hi Group!Shit, Jeremy… do you know part of why I was upset at you way back when was for not hitting on me, because I knew your reputation and habits. And now I say I’m inventing the possibility of love and commitment and all that and you ask if I want to shag!?!…
…well actually, yeah, I’d be up for it, except I don’t know when, and all bets might be off after I see this guy again this weekend. You off of your two weeks on south beach yet anyways?
From: Jeremy Osborne
Sent: Thursday, August 18, 2005 12:42 PM
To: Janna Mordan
Subject: RE: Hi Group!HAHA! You crack me up. I knew something was up when I looked at you last night, <making up shit that empowers me>because there was this massive chemical attraction<done making up shit>. I’m already easing off the south beach diet and using it as a basis for being healthy, but I’m already to incorporate alcohol back into it. My night just freed up, what are you doing this evening?
From: Janna Mordan
Sent: Thursday, August 18, 2005 1:01 PM
To: Jeremy Osborne
Subject: RE: Hi Group!I am in fact free this evening. Around 8 or 9? You *are* totally making shit up, but I love it! And I’m certainly not going to argue with you when it works in my favor…
I’m helping my folks move stuff for the next hour, then I’m off to work. Call me after 2 and we’ll work it out….
From: Jeremy Osborne
Sent: Thursday, August 18, 2005 1:04:39 PM
To: Janna Mordan
Subject: RE: Hi Group!You bad girl. Mroaw! I’ll call you.
That night Janna shows up at my apartment complex. I’m pretending everything is all normal; I’m in the laundry room making sure I have some clean underwear when Janna knocks on the laundry room door. I open the door and give her a big kiss on the lips.Janna: Hi.Jeremy: Hi!Janna [handing me a bottle of white wine]: I brought you this.”
Jeremy: What’s this for?
Janna: A peace offering.
We go inside, open the bottle of Madeira and leap into bed. And we do it. Three times. Fireworks. Explosions. No need to explain the noise (or the maker of the noise) to James because he didn’t sleep in the apartment that night. Oh yeah, I’d have to explain that thing to him later, the thing about me having sex with the woman he used to like.The next day Janna leaves with a goodbye kiss and heads off to work. I do the same and find this in my email box later on in the afternoon.
From: Janna Mordan
To: Jeremy Osborne
Sent: Friday, August 19, 2005 2:03:41 PM
Subject: RE: Hi Group!Hey sexy,
Yesterday I had some concerns about us getting together, and I was just looking today, and they all disappeared between last night and now. Thanks for being so understanding last night. I’m not left with any regrets, just a smile on my face and sore thighs
Don’t get attached to this but… just for today I’m totally infatuated with you.
Fondly,
Janna
For about a month Janna and I dated each other and other people, both of us going about business as usual. One September evening I get a call from her. This is how I remember the call going.Janna: Hi Jeremy.Jeremy: Hi Janna. How are you?Janna: Good. I’ve got something I want to ask you, and it’s scary for me.
Jeremy: Uh, okay.
Janna: I want to go out with just you.
Jeremy: WHOA! That’s a bad idea. I’m finally listening to my mom and not shacking up with anyone for six months, and that leaves 5 months to go on my current count.
Janna: Look, I love you and I know you love me and the truth is I just want to date you and I don’t want to date anyone else.
Jeremy: I can understand, but dating me is a really bad idea. Look, I’m going to stay single right now, you can date just me if you want to, but I’m not committing.
Janna: Okay, so the real truth is I just don’t want you fucking other women. I want you all to myself. But, if that’s the way it is, fine. I still love you.
Jeremy: I love you, too.
*Click*
A month later, after spending almost every night with Janna, Janna and I started seeing each other exclusively. Or, as I put it to her:
“Don’t you know how much of a loser I am when I’m in relationships? I’ve had two failed engagements, I’ve cheated on my girlfriends, I’ve gone to naughty massage parlors, I’ve done things worth not mentioning. You’re my last shot at relationships, if it doesn’t work out with you, I’m really going to stay single for the rest of my life. I’m giving it just one more shot.”
* * *
On February 25th, 2006, Janna and I moved in together.
We’ve spent the last year and 8 eight months together and happy. The 18th day of every month is still cause for celebration.
On May 19th, 2007, Janna and I will (finally) be getting married.
Not only am I happy, Janna, my wife to be, is happy, too. The impossible has finally happened.
Comments (2)
Yes, happily married to you my sexy soon-to-be husband.
I’ve found the best man ever.
Germ…this is the cutest story ever, especially since you started flirting two days before my own wedding…I swear, weddings breed more romance for the people attending them (and not getting married) than anyone realizes.
I had a great time meeting Janna last night and I can’t wait to meet her in person on Saturday. I love you so, so much and I’m thrilled beyond measure that you finally found someone who is a match for your extraordinariness!!!